Hott Dudes

John Lennon

by Mac White

Given that Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966, John Lennon has attained unchallenged status as the best Beatle. And as best Beatle he could very well be the biggest rock icon of all time. His songwriting credentials are too well-established to repeat here. Turn on the radio and hear the sound of money being transferred to his estate.

In Yoko Ono, John Lennon found a kindred spirit. She was his muse — a person to pose naked with for an album cover or two. Best of all, she did not begrudge him an  occasional lost weekend in L.A. Like any pop star of his day, John survived on strippers and booger sugar. He made jokes about Ringo behind his back and secretly believed that George Harrison was already becoming an aging hippie in the 1970s. John’s life was cut short before he could ever approach the atrocious artistic lows of Wings, the McCartney surrogate’s solo project.

 Lennon famously said that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. It’s true; I listen to the Beatles a lot and almost never read the Bible. It’s ironic that hearing the original version of “Imagine” is about as close as I’ve come to a religious experience.

Justin Timberlake

by Mac White

Justin Timberlake was born in 2002. His first musical venture of any kind was the critically acclaimed album Justified, which is made up of 13 songs about fucking Britney Spears (when she was hot). Right around this time, Timberlake decided it would be a good idea to become the white Usher.

One fateful morning, a hung-over, disheveled Timberlake awoke from a night of tantric sex with about a dozen co-eds. Realizing he was already late for a GQ fashion shoot across town, Timberlake absent-mindedly pulled a sweater over his shirt and tie. The move changed men’s fashion forever.

Later that day, he popped a couple of ibuprofen tabs and sat down at his desk to read over a new script his agent had given him. It was Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales. Seeing that his character didn’t have to do much more than swig a Bud and dance drunkenly through a room of dolled-up nurses to the beat of All These Things That I Have Done, Timberlake took the part. He would go on to expand on that concept in his sophomore album, FutureSex/LoveSounds.

On television, he put his hand on Janet Jackson’s boob and his dick in a box. Then he went back to putting his dick in much more interesting places. Timberlake also created Napster, which would have seemed counterproductive to a lesser iconoclast.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Paul McCartney

by Geoff Brousseau

Sir Paul McCartney has never been too keen on titles, which is ironic because he has gained quite a few awesome ones.  “Most successful musician and composer in popular music history”, and “greatest composer of the millennium” are a couple of the more meritorious examples.  When you write the most popular song of all time, are in the most popular band of all time and sell 60 gold records and 100 million singles, those things will happen.  It is especially impressive considering he actually died in 1967.

Speaking of the most popular band of all time, Paul was regarded as the best musician of all of the Beatles.  An interviewer once asked John Lennon, “Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?”  Lennon’s reply was, “Ringo isn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles” in reference to Paul.   He played bass and piano in most of the Beatles’ songs, guitar in a few and drums in at least two Beatles songs.

Paul McCartney is also devoted to the ones he loves as much as he is to his music.  One of the few times he was away from his wife Linda was when he got busted for having a whole shit load of weed in Japan and went to jail for 10 days.  He was banned from Japan, but they couldn’t stay mad at a face like that and let him come back 10 years later to perform in Tokyo.

Paul McCartney continues to rock around the world just like back in the days of Beatlemania.  His command performances with Presidents Obama and Putin show that he is still the most respected and admired musician alive.

Ewan McGregor

by Geoff Brousseau

Ewan McGregor is one of the most fearless actors in Hollywood today.  He isn’t afraid to show “the goods” for the good of the movie, as he has one of the highest full frontal nudity counts of non-porn star actors.  He also isn’t afraid to take on unconventional roles, either, like heroin addict Renton in Trainspotting, which he plays to perfection. 

Ewan pulled a Che Guevara and went for a marathon motorcycle trip with one of his friends from London to New York City.  No, he isn’t the second coming of Christ; he drove from London across Europe, Russia, and Canada to the fucking Big Apple.  Soon after, he decided that South Africa would be a nice place to vacation.  Why not drive there from Scotland on his motorcycle?    

Ewan McGregor certainly deserves credit for being in the majority of the good scenes in the Star Wars prequels.  His fights with Darth Maul, General Grievous, and Anakin are the best scenes out of the prequels.  It would have been nice to see him slice everybody’s favorite Gungan, Jar Jar, in half, but you can’t really blame that not happening on Ewan.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

George Clooney

by Nick Vandermolen

We can sit here and talk about how great of an actor George Clooney is – from Up in the Air, to Confessions of a dangerous Mind, to From Dusk til Dawn…hell and let’s not forget the Ocean’s Trilogy – damn! – this academy award winning actor is baller as fuck. We know this. Ladies be drip’n since 94’ when ol’ Doug Ross MD been romanticizing that curly haired broad. And – fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-n-n-n-n-n-ne! – I’m sure you think he’s bitch’n because he’s been a united nations messenger of piece since 2008 and really cares about Darfur – smack! -  I just smacked my lips for that….But have you seen his boat!

            His boat is raw as hell and all Hollywood vixens steam to that shit to partake in the wide open lawlesslessness of the high seas: Uma Thurman, Bill Murray, even Cindy Crawford boarded Capt. Clooney’s MEGA-yacht and got caught topless. Think anybody was pantsless? Oh, and by boat, I mean mega-yacht, AKA luxury yacht. But doesn’t that perfectly sum up Clooney: Luxury. He personifies classic Hollywood - a style no woman can turn down in the sack - only even being seen in a suit (typically the dark charcoal with unpleated trousers) [and/or] (or shirtless). He’s also an ambassador for OMEGA watches: The Sign of Excellence.

            He typifies luxury and excellence; bound by nothing he is the embodiment of freedom. On the silver screen, in the bedroom, he is a work of art, unbound and unrestrained as he says himself, “I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know. I fucked to many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.” They’re will never be another like him.

Johnny Cash

by Nick “Tibanna Gas Mine” Jarmo

Of all men in the history of hottness, none possess a more eclectic arsenal of virtue that lend to ultimate hottness. The Man in Black was a rebel, an outlaw, a badass, a renegade, a cowboy, a hard drinker, a hard worker, and hard to get. But at his roots Cash was a farmer, a simple man, a God-fearing man, who loved perhaps more than he was lusted over. His image, his signature railroad sound, and his defiant attitude captured the hearts of Americans for decades.

If the woman a man keeps is any indication of his hottness, it is very apparent that Cash outranks all men. Johnny Cash scored June Carter, arguable one of the hottest babes of all time. It has been said, however, that the fire of Johnny Cash’s hottness burned so deep within the heart of Pasty Cline that she had to completely isolate herself from him, for fear of being consumed by unimaginable passion for a man she could never attain. All women feel this emotion for Johnny Cash, and it is only in his passing that woman can now feel the burden of his hottness lift.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Patrick Stewart

by Nick “Spell Check” Vandermolen

Before he was Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise or Professor Xavier, caretaker for those gifted youngsters known as the X-men, Patrick Stewart was in captivating a live studio audience as member of the Royal Shakespeare company. It was during this time that Stewart was classically trained to pronounce every syllable and command every line. It was these skills that at the age of 47 led him to take command of the bridge, and play his most memorable role: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. He has found great success as a Hollywood star. But, in 2004 he expressed his need to return the to the stage – live performances were what his heart yearned for. So he returned to the Royal Shakespeare Company to follow his heart and fulfill his dreams.

            Why, at the peak of his career would this blockbuster actor go back to the stage performing the same show over and over each night? Total Identification: When the every sense of the viewer becomes one with what you are watching - instead of passive, you become a participant – the memories so real they become indiscernible from the manufactured event. By taking away the viewing screen Stewart can become one with you, the audience, and the audience one with him, and central reality, a true reality in which he is in control as if through hypnosis rather then resorting to CGI, 3-D, or even THX sound. He is the vassal thorough which the memory is made, and thus Patrick Steward is the definer of your reality.        

Matt Damon

by Patrick Kelly

 “Matt Damon is hard with a soft center.” - Rick Boven

Matt Damon studied English at Harvard but dropped out as a senior to pursue his acting career.  Shortly thereafter he won an Academy Award as co-author (how much do you think Ben Affleck really wrote?) of Good Will Hunting.  I guess he made the right choice.  Since then Damon has prospered, with a wide array of roles and critically performances in films such as Courage Under Fire, The Rainmaker, Saving Private Ryan, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Syriana, The Good Shepherd, The Departed, Invictus, and True Grit.  He’s also starred in two blockbuster franchises in the Bourne and Ocean’s series.

Matt Damon has won and been nominated for countless awards and James Lipton believes he is the thinking man’s movie star.  How can argue with that?  Plus, he had huge muscles in Invictus and has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.  In addition, Damon has been a fantastic guest star on 30 Rock, was responsible for the greatest guest appearance in the history of Entourage, and can do an amazing impersonation of Matthew McConaughey.

Damon isn’t some beatnik artist or a Buff Bagwell wannabe, obsessed with his abs; he’s a man of principle. He’s politically active.  For example, he doesn’t want Sarah Palin to get the nuke codes.  He’s heavily involved in charity work through the ONE Campaign, Feeding America, H2O Africa Foundation, and Water.org.  Not to mention, he’s quietly married to a normal chick, not some Hollywood starlet; that’s got to be worth some bonus points.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Elvis

by Mac White

I don’t believe in karma, organized religion, man’s better nature, or the existence of an honest politician. But I do believe in Elvis Presley.

Every great civilization has its holy shrines and cultural centers. Indians have the Taj Mahal, and ancient Greeks had their Parthenon. But what are these compared to Graceland, the hallowed court of the King of Rock and Roll? (By the way: Try coming up with a sweeter nickname than that, short of “King of Sex with Runway Models.”)

Elvis must have chuckled at that phenomenon known as “Beatlemania.” He’d seen it before. It looked an awful lot like all the times he’d taken the stage in the 1950s. You know, when he brought every woman in the audience to climax with a shake of his hips. Elvis invented soaked panties.

He lived up to every myth and became a force we can call our own. Even apple pie, that most “American” of all baked goods, is likely an English creation. The King, on the other hand, is as American as a peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich. When the annals of hott dude history are finally written, expect to see his face on the cover – in velvet, of course.

Idris Elba

by Patrick Kelly

“Fact: All men in Africa hold hands,” Nick Vandermolen famously once said.

Well, Idris Elba isn’t from Africa but I’m sure he thinks your full of shit, Vandermolen.

Idris Elba is a bit of a wildcard in this tournament.  Although his resume may seem slight, his portrayal of Stringer Bell in The Wire has solidified him as a force to be reckoned with.  Not only did he learn about macroeconomics at community college but he’s been known to read Adam Smith in his high-rise condo.

Perhaps most dangerously, ladies love Idris Elba. Probably because he appears to have gone to the Boyz II Men School of Love Making.

Next to Harrison Ford, Elba is Hott Dudes’ most popular dude.  Making him the dark horse to claim the tournament title.  Watch out fellas.  I’ll let the picture speak for itself.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Paul Newman

by Mac White

A word of advice: Do not watch a Paul Newman film with your ladyfriend. Or really with any woman you have the slightest hope of taking to bed. You see, the more exposure she has to Newman’s charms and talents, the more you’re going to look like chopped liver. Even worse, you will have no argument.

 How could you hope to compete? Did you take top billing over Robert Fucking Redford in two Oscar-caliber movies? Were you Butch Cassidy, Fast Eddie Felson, AND Luke Jackson? Did you drive race cars at an elite level for fun and still find time to build a spaghetti sauce empire? There is some consolation to the fact that you will never be Paul Newman: Neither will the rest of us.

 For me, Newman was at his very best in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. He had so much chemistry with Elizabeth Taylor (who was smoking hot back then — look it up) that watching the film all these years later feels like the best kind of voyeurism. Yet he brought a pathos to broken-down ex-football star Brick Pollitt that has only been matched by Hamlet himself.

Kirk Douglas

by Patrick Kelly

From the iconic dimpled chin to his classic performances in Spartacus and Paths of Glory, Kirk Douglas is clearly a hott dude. “I’ve made a career of playing sons of bitches,” Douglas once remarked in reference to his badassness.  While pursuing his acting career Douglas put food on the table as professional wrestler before enlisting in the Navy to serve in World War II.  Kirk Douglas epitomized The Greatest Generation and the American Dream coming from a poor family and having worked over forty jobs before making it as an actor.

If further proof of his hotness is necessary just look at the fruit of his loins, Michael Douglas, a hott dude in his own right, who bears many of the same classic features of the Douglas alpha male.

In 1981, he earned the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award.  He has also received countless other honors such as the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award and an Academy Honorary Award “for 50 years as a creative and moral force in the motion picture community.” Kirk Douglas will forever hold a place in history as a Hollywood hard man. 

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Michael Jordan

Words can’t describe His Airness. Click this link to see Michael Jordan to the Max.

Check this one out too.

Val Kilmer

by Geoff Brousseau

Thespian.  Singer/Songwriter.  Genius.  All of these words have been used to describe Val Kilmer.   Despite contributing mightily to one of the greatest beach volleyball scenes and shootout scenes in movie history (sadly not simultaneous), he still doesn’t receive the respect that some of his contemporaries receive. 

Some so called “hollywood insiders” have demonized Kilmer as being an impossible actor to work with, attempting to besmirch his reputation with nicknames like “Psycho Kilmer”.  On the contrary, co-stars have lauded his hardworking and dedicated demeanor on set.  But honestly, who’s opinion do you value more?  The man who attempted to drive the Batman franchise into the ground.  Or arguably the greatest dwarf actor of all time?  I don’t think this is even debatable.

Val Kilmer had all of the essential ingredients it took to be a leading man in hollywood (acting ability, rapier wit, uncanny prowess in bedding leading actresses), but never really desired to be one.  This is evident by his refusal to live amongst the glitz and glam of Hollywood and instead amongst the buffalo in New Mexico.  Kilmer has always been and continues to be a maverick in Hollywood, even if his callsign is Iceman.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Harrison Ford

by Patrick Kelly

Smuggler, archaeologist, President of the United States. These are just a few of the widely varied roles that Harrison Ford has been responsible for throughout a storied career.  A career that has made him arguably the greatest movie star of all time, with key roles in two of the most successful franchises in the history of film: Star Wars and Indiana Jones.  He’s played parts in other blockbusters such as American Graffiti, Apocalypse Now, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, and Air Force One making him the third highest grossing U.S. domestic star, bring in over $3 billion during the course of his career.  Ford received critical acclaim for his performances in Blade Runner, Witness, Presumed Innocent, and The Fugitive. His talents have been recognized through multiple Academy Award, Golden Globe, and BAFTA nominations as well as the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award.

Perhaps even more impressive is the legacy of Harrison Ford’s portrayal of the rebellious, sarcastic anti-hero, which has gone on to influence countless films, characters, and actors (see George Clooney). Although many have tried none have been able to truly replicate the quick-witted, rye humor of Harrison Ford.  Has there ever been another human in history that’s been able to finger point as well as him?  He’s dedicated to his friends and family and will fight dirty if necessary.  He’s got a scar that chicks dig. Plus, I’m pretty sure he comes up with all his own lines, as evidenced by this moment of cinematic brilliance.

Not only is Harrison Ford an icon of cinema but he has practical skills that put normal men to shame, from carpentry to aviation.  Before his acting breakthrough Ford cut his teeth as a self-taught carpenter in order to provide for his family.  His work at the time included building a recording studio for Sérgio Mendes and working as a stagehand for The Doors. These days, when Ford isn’t busy tearing it up onscreen he’s flying search and rescue missions and dropping medical supplies and personnel into earthquake ravaged countries.  He also keeps his personal life very private and doesn’t put up with any shit, just ask Sacha Baron Cohen.   Harrison Ford’s tireless work ethic and down-to-earth nature should serve as a model for men all across the world.  

One of the most contentious debates on the planet today comes down to a simple question: who is hotter Han Solo or Indiana Jones?  I’ve got news for you, either way, Harrison Ford wins.

Christian Bale

by Nicholas Vandermolen

Christian Bale has “no instinct for self-preservation.” In every role he’ll put his life and body on the line to shape the creature you take pleasure in seeing on screen. When he played psycho-killer Patrick Bateman in American Psycho he spent month subjecting his body to cancer causing tanning lights to achieve the “Olympian physique” the role required. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also killed a few bums or sluts. In 2004, he became the emaciated for his role in The Machinist. Eating only apples and coffee for months, melting to 121 pounds. During this time he even deprived himself of sleep to achieve a sunken faced skeletal appearance. He described his near-death malnutrition as, “Very calming mentally.”

         It is only a man who cares not of life that can truly play a man who fears not of death. And it was this man, Bale, who could be the only one to truly embody the Batman, the most fearless of them all. Bale spoke on playing the indomitable Batman: “Batman is his hidden demonic-filled side…He’s capable of enacting violence — and to kill…” Inside of Bale is Demon. And it is this demon, through the (satanic) sacrifice of self, that gifted him the ability to tap into on of his greatest rolls, the Gun Kata expert Grammaton Cleric, John Preston. In this roll he single handedly took the life of 118 individuals – the third most kills of any movie.

         Bale will sacrifice everything to become his roles, even his own life. And this is why he is star of one of the highest grossing films of all time. His life, his sacrifice.  

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

There are some tight races. If you haven’t weighed in, the time is now.

Robert Redford

by Nick “Three Days of the Condor” Jarmo

Scientists report that the mind of a woman is controlled by infinite factors of life. But science has always fallen short of explaining the fact that no matter what thoughts and emotions float through women at any moment, there is one influence that dominates all others: the raw sexual power of a hott dude.

Before Brad Pitt there was Robert Redford, ruler over the kingdom of women. His thick hair, divinely engineered jawline, impressive stature, and intelligently sexual eyes. Robert Redford represents the type of man that has nearly gone extinct in the world, a man that is not only capable of growing an immense beard and overcoming the Rocky Mountains, the Crow Indians, the Squaw, and the grizzly bear, but one that also possesses a refined temperament and unstoppable cunning to overcome high society, not just by climbing the ladder of drooling women, but by besting any man – socially, intellectually, or physically. Redford is arguably the most accomplished actor within this tournament, and while figures like Brad Pitt attempt to walk in his shadow, they are totally eclipsed.

Michael Fassbender

by Patrick Kelly

I had pretty low expectations for Inglorious Basterds.  Most of the trailers made it look like some screwball gorefest with Nazis.  Most of the information I had read about it five years earlier made me expect Saving Private Ryan with Michael Madsen.  When I finally got around to watching it I was blown away, and one scene in particular was responsible for that reaction.  The Mexican standoff in a basement.  I would go so far as to say it is probably the best scene I’ve seen since…well, I can’t really think of one better at the moment.  Anyway, suffice it to say those few, incredibly tense minutes put Michael Fassbender on the map.

Some other career highlights include having huge muscles in 300, a part — albeit small — in the fantastic miniseries Band of Brothers, and receiving critical acclaim for his portrayal of Irish volunteer and hunger strike leader Bobby Sands in Hunger.  Soon we’ll see him in Jane Eyre, which ladies are likely to love, and as Magneto in X-Men: First Class (he’s got to be pretty badass to be Magneto, right?).

Perhaps the greatest compliment I can give Fassbender is that I actually watched all of Centurion just because he was in it.  And that movie is pretty terrible through no fault of his own.  You should watch him deliver the line “I am a soldier of Rome, I will not yield!” in the trailer, that’s really the only part of that movie you need to see.

To sum up, Fassbender is a hott dude with a bright future, who had a sweet mustache (for a while) in Inglorious Basterds, and is about to lead the Brotherhood of Mutants.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Frank Sinatra

by Mac White

It’s not exactly pleasant to think about, but back in her day your grandma wanted to have sexual relations with Frank Sinatra. More than that, if she lived anywhere within a 100-mile radius of New York City or Las Vegas in the 1940s through the ’70s, she probably did fuck him. That is, if she was hot enough to pass inspection.

Because when you’re the leader of the Rat Pack – to this day the coolest, most exclusive club dedicated to debauchery ever assembled – you get a lot of tail. Dean Martin might have had the better voice, but he didn’t have the charisma or the charm of “Old Blue Eyes.”

Frank probably didn’t need his mob connections to get choice roles in such films as “From Here to Eternity” and “The Manchurian Candidate,” but it definitely didn’t hurt his chances. It’s worth noting that he could have had all 67 of the other entrants in this Hott Dudes tournament murdered at a moment’s notice. A win by default is still a win.

Above all, Frank Sinatra’s legacy is a link to a simpler time in America – when men were men, broads were broads, and what happened in Vegas was pretty much up to Frank. Just bet it wasn’t family friendly.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

by Nick Vandermolen

You probably know Joseph Gordon-Levitt from his this summer’s Oscar nominated movie Inception where he played pointman, Arthur. How can we forget the scene where he was fighting in the rotating hallway? It was this performance that has projected him to the annals of Hollywood, becoming an actor we won’t soon forget. But did you know he’s been acting since the age of 6. And since then - now at the age of 30 -  he has been in over 50 films and television shows. How uncommon is this, child stars surviving to adulthood…and still experiencing success! But why would he want to be successful in Hollywood when at a young age he said to interviewers that he “hates celebrity.”

 Within the last few years Gordon-Levitt has stated that his favorite actors are chameleons. He’s been described as “sexy in the most ambiguous ways,” “surprisingly formidable, and formidable surprising, leading man,” and once even being called, “The real key.” It seems he has taken over this chameleon role nicely. But what is he hiding? Yes! His hatred for celebrity and the Hollywood system that creates child stars that burn out and fade away at an all to young age. Is this not the reason he relegated himself to the shadows, performing strictly in independent films for 8 years, only to return to the Hollywood system – a very uncharacteristic role - in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra Commander. This was his plan all along.

 In 2010, Gordon-Levitt was chosen as GQ Magazine’s “Rising Star of the Year.” Is this not a star rising, but a nuclear warhead shooting from the mountains off in the distance? Where is this armament headed, surely for the hills of Hollywood: the home of celebrity. 

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Muhammad Ali

by Mac White

The 1974 Rumble in the Jungle summarizes everything you everything you need to know about Muhammad Ali. Study it and you’ll find a poet, a lightning-fast athlete, a smack-talker, and a sideshow barker. But Ali’s image was still tainted. He had been labeled a “draft dodger,” and it would take more than just a quiet return to the ring to win over his detractors.

Anyone who had watched one of Ali’s fights knew that he had no qualms about hurting men. Of course, he hurt them under the terms of his own code of honor—one-on-one, face-to-face. Ali had no interest in shooting strangers. His real weapons were his fists. His real enemies were the best heavyweight boxers of that or any era.

George Foreman was the champ—a heavy, methodical puncher with a bright future ahead of him in portable grill sales. Ali found an early advantage through promos, however. Weeks before the fight he talked of a new training routine that included “wrassling an alligator” and “chopping down trees.” He taunted Foreman for being ugly, and turned the entire African continent against him with two iconic words: “Ali, bomaye!”

Ali knocked Foreman out, reclaiming his rightful spot at boxing’s pinnacle. The “sweet science” had its foremost artist back, and he wouldn’t be taken for granted again.

Robert Duvall

by Nick “Napalm” Jarmo

Robert Duvall will never tell you he’s hot. In fact, he doesn’t really say all that much. He’s always been a man of few words, respectful enough to speak only that which is meaningful, and it truly shows the wisdom and character of the man. There is a juxtaposition of roughness and tenderness in Duvall that nowadays that cast him as a sage grandfather, a fair and honest man that knows simplicity, knows life, and knows how to live life. And everyone in Hollywood likes Duvall. That’s a fact.

But let’s go back to the heyday, to the days of Bullitt, True Grit, The Godfather, and Apocalypse Now. Despite his ultimate path of goodness, back then Duvall was a firecracker, sometimes on a path of justice, sometimes on a path of destruction. His charisma and stunning classic look made Duvall something that America hadn’t really seen. Even after his hair disappeared, Duvall was catching the eyes of women, but even when he portrayed the bad guy, you could tell he was the only good one. Duvall was the kind of guy you could trust, that a woman could marry and not get beat and left for the next A-list female, and for some this was where the true attraction was.

But for the woman being honest with herself she will remember back to 1989, the year Lonesome Dove aired. She will remember Gus McCrae, a character that allowed Duvall to explore the outgoing womanizer inside. The woman of 1989 will remember this silent desire for a cowboy that she could never have, but who would have her if he desired. Not only did Duvall bring to Lonesome Dove this quiet pulsating appeal, he made that series what is arguably the best television series ever to air, a legendary show of plot, emotion, and recognition.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Sean Connery

by Patrick Kelly

Sean Connery defined sexuality in the last millennium as James Bond and Zed (Zardoz).  He played a critical role in the greatest action film of all time, The Rock (suck it, Die Hard and Predator).  He sired Indiana Jones and then they both had sex with the same woman.  He stole a nuclear submarine.  He taught us how to catch Capone.   And he constructed a room full of lasers just so he could look at Catherine Zeta Jones’ butt.

Have you seen his chest hair?  His mustache? His beard?  Heard his accent?  There’s no way you can deny his sex appeal. I’m sure he’s fucked multiple prom queens. 

Connery’s garnered numerous honors including being knighted, winning an Academy Award, and receiving the American Film Institute’s Lifetime Achievement Award.  He’s also been named “Sexiest Man Alive” and “Sexiest Man of the Century” by various publications.  Will he add another title by the end of this tournament? 

Tom Hardy

by Nick Vandermolen

“I’m an actor for fuck’s sake. I’ve played with everything and everyone.” Inception star, Tom Hardy truly knows no limits. When he was heralded as, “The Next Big Thing,” in 2002, he looked to Hollywood and told it to screw off. He instead went to a place called (crack) rock bottom. Bottom for most, Hardy certainly not, sure he did crack and was called an alcoholic, but on his own terms he simply stopped. Then had a baby with his baby whose last name is Speed. He’s come out of the closet as saying, “I’m an actor, of course I’ve had gay sex.” ‘of course,’ because an actor must be everything, and do everything so that he can become everything at any time. He’s scuba trained, studied New York hip-hop from the 70’s and 80’s, and even mastered his body and voice. He gives himself to every project, mutating his mind and body to nearly unrecognizable levels; such as his role in Bronson: where he appeared in all his naked girth, tapping into his inner gorilla. He looks good in a suit (Inception), a uniform (Band of Brothers), and shirtless (Warrior [TBA]). And for you sci-fi fans, he appeared as a central villain in a Star Trek movie. He knows know bounds, no walls, no obstacles, and is seemingly pure masculinity. But isn’t this the way of a shape shifter, a true actor? He’s stated as feeling like an outsider when it comes to ‘maleness.’ For he possesses the dainty and the steel, the male and female, in him is the circle-of-life, one body, one mine, one actor, Tom Hardy.

He has also been known to do over 2500 press-ups a day.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Nicolas Cage

by Macklin White

Nicolas Cage’s success has been known to puzzle even his biggest fans. In a certain light, the man’s almost alien appearance can have a troubling effect on the psyche. Some have even wondered if Cage can be considered a good actor.

And yet, there he is: starring opposite Elisabeth Shue in Leaving Las Vegas. Making unspeakably graphic love to Meg Ryan in City of Angels. And in “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans,” he has the sex goddess to end all sex goddesses Eva Mendes at his beck and call.

Cage has thrived in Hollywood because, much like Samuel L. Jackson, he treats every role with the precise amount of seriousness it deserves. If the part calls for Cage to grow out his hair and play a jovial hero with the worst Southern accent in recorded history, he’s on it. And not even the harshest Cage critic could doubt his commitment. How many actors have worn John Travolta’s face so convincingly? He can even do pensive and understated (if you don’t believe me, check out Red Rock West and the first two-thirds of 8mm).

But Nicolas Cage is at his best when a director lets him chew the scenery. In his fully deranged, totally unhinged glory, Cage is capable of saying and doing absolutely anything. That’s why we continue to watch him, even in the rare instance that he decides to act in a bad movie.

Jon Hamm

by Geoff Brousseau

The threats to determine the hottest dude of 2011 are as follows:

1. Dudes want to be you

2. Can bang any chick in the room

3. Undeniable star power

4. Artistically sound

There is not a person in the bracket that embodies the threats as well as Jon Hamm via Don Draper from Mad Men.  Hamm’s ability to conceptualize the character that most embodies what it is to be a man is perfect.  Anyone that has watched Mad Men knows Don Draper’s uncanny prowess in advertising, drinking, smoking, and nailing broads.  He has received Screen Actors Guild awards, Golden Globes, and something called a Golden Nymph for his portrayal of the hard drinking, chain smoking 1960s lothario.

Jon Hamm was also in The Town, which was pretty good.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Wilt Chamberlain

by Geoff Brousseau

Despite all of the individual records and accolades Wilt Chamberlain compiled during his basketball career, many people don’t know the true extent of his athleticism. In college, he could run a sub 11 second 100 yard dash, throw a shot put 56 feet, and triple jump over 50 feet.  He won the Big 8 Conference high jumping title three years in a row at Kansas. He was also inducted into the hall of fame…the Volleyball Hall of Fame.  Go figure, apparently people that are over 7 feet tall are also pretty decent at volleyball.

To say the ladies loved Wilt Chamberlain could perhaps be the greatest understatement in the history of mankind.  Straight from the horses’ mouth, Wilt claimed in his 1991 autobiography to have slept with somewhere in the vicinity of 20,000 women.  This is undoubtedly Wilt’s greatest athletic achievement, boning an average of 1.37 women a day since the age of 15.  To put this in perspective, that’s more than Lemmy Kilmister, Charlie Sheen, Jarmo, Gene Simmons, Bill Wyman, Magic Johnson, Jack Nicholson and Engelburt Humperdinck combined.  His nicknames (The Stilt, Goliath, The Big Dipper) now all seem to be double entendres.  

There will never be an athlete in basketball that could dominate to the extent of Wilt Chamberlain.  Michael Jordan, considered one of the greatest individual athletes ever, never came close to Wilt’s 50.4 point scoring average in the 1961-62 season.  Charlie Sheen has been doing his best to catch up to Wilt in the lady department, but he still has a long, long way to go.  The Big Dipper may not be slam dunking broads or basketballs anymore, but he left behind one hell of a legacy.

Liam Neeson

by Patrick Kelly

For nearly a decade Liam Neeson was tabbed to play Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg’s upcoming biopic, based on his potent on-screen presence.  Not bad for an amateur boxing champion from Ireland.  And although he has stepped away from the role for being “past his sell by date,” Neeson will still be kicking ass in the next phase of his career (see Taken and Taken II (Unknown)).  Neeson’s gravitas has led to his portrayal of other revolutionary and legendary historical figures such as Rob Roy MacGregor, Michael Collins, Oskar Schindler, Alfred Kinsey and Barisan of Ibelin.  He’s lent his talents to powerful period pieces such as The Mission and Gangs of New York, where he literally killed dudes with a crucifix.  He made women’s knees buckle in Love Actually.  And he took part in superhero films Darkman and Batman Begins (I hear he’s got his own Lazarus Pit).

At 6’4” Liam Neeson towers above the competition.  In fact, a theatre critic once described him as a “towering sequoia of sex.”  His broken-nosed sex appeal is undeniable and his versatility on-screen, characterized by a restrained dynamism that can be unleashed at a moment’s notice, has made him one of today’s most compelling leading men.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Ric Flair

by Nick “Steve Mongo McMichael” Jarmo

Behold, The Nature Boy Ric Flair. A bronze god with a powerful, perfect body. The only one worthy of introducing Ric Flair is Ric Flair: “The Limousine Ridin’, Jet Flying, Kiss Stealin’, Wheelin’ Dealin’, Son of a Gun”. Of all the illustrious men featured in this competition, none are more accomplished than Ric Flair. No one else is a 21-time World Champion, no one else has defeated Triple H in a steel cage match, no one else made The Big Show tap, nobody else stood victorious over every other WCW wrestler you can name. Sometimes defined by his signature knife edge chop and his inescapable Figure-4 Leglock, Ric Flair is perhaps best known for his status as an ultimate ladykiller and for his high class lifestyle. Ric Flair’s reputation for consistently being the best wrestler, having the best body, and for bagging the most beautiful babes certainly earns him the title of Hottest Dude ever.  None can best Flair’s iconic beauty, nor his ability to Wooooo the ladies.

Robert Downey Jr.

by Geoff Brousseau

Few actors have been through the rollercoaster ride of highs and lows that Robert Downey Jr. has experienced throughout the course of his life.  When lesser men would have succumb to the siren song of alcohol, marijuana, valium, cocaine, and heroin, Robert Downey Jr. kicked it in the balls and decided to become bigger than ever.

It’s a close call on who had the best acting career after leaving Saturday Night Live, but I’ll give the edge to Bob because he didn’t make Garfield or The Adventures of Pluto Nash.  The great thing about Downey Jr. is that he was never pigeonholed into one particular niche role as an actor.  He played a drug addict to perfection in Less Than Zero, which may not have been too much of a stretch at that point in time.  He picked up his first Academy Award nomination for portraying Charlie Chaplin.  He was on Ally McBeal for a season as her boyfriend, and damned if he didn’t act the hell out of that role, too.

Where many actors taper off in the quality of their movies later in their careers, Downey Jr. only gets better with age.  Downey Jr. received another Academy Award nomination for his hilarious and brilliant role in Tropic Thunder in 2008.  Iron Man, Iron Man II, and Sherlock Holmes were all recent blockbusters thanks to Bob, and the future looks brighter than ever.  Robert Downey Jr. is back from the dead, and we couldn’t be happier.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Mick Jagger

by Mac White

The Rolling Stones summed up rebellion in musical form better than anyone, short of people who are actually black. Ask any baby boomer you know, and they’ll tell you that Mick Jagger was and still is a sex symbol. His stage strut would have been comical if it weren’t so useful for whipping young women into a hormonal frenzy. When Mick sang about the Midnight Rambler, he meant his penis. He named the Stones’ landmark live album “Get Yer Ya-Yas Out.” Doing so was brilliant but unnecessary. They were already out.

Keep in mind that for a good portion of the Stones’ career, Keith Richards was stoned out of his gourd. That meant twice the pussy for Mick Jagger. It still wasn’t enough to satisfy him. For more on that topic, listen to the song “Satisfaction.”

In 1971, the Stones blew everybody out of the water with the cover art for Sticky Fingers. It was an artistic rendering of some dude’s crotch in tight blue jeans. Critics trembled at the racial complexity of “Brown Sugar” and bowed to the balladry of “Wild Horses” and “Dead Flowers.” Meanwhile, everyone just assumed that the man on the cover is Mick Jagger. If it isn’t, it should be.

Jim Morrison

We intended for Simon “The Boatman” Jack to write the bio for Jim Morrison but he’s off the grid.  These videos will have to suffice:

Check him out in action.

Watch a master craftsman interpret his personality.

See his influence on the superstars of today.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Jeff Bridges

by Mac White

Jeff Bridges has been playing essentially the same role for years now. He will always be The Dude. But we cannot hold it against him as he is so damn good at it. Maybe more than any other actor working in Hollywood today, Bridges is fully aware of his place in the American consciousness. In his earlier days, he had leading-man good looks. Over the years his face has adapted to the “Western” look that he had been meant to inhabit all along.

Bridges hasn’t aged well, exactly, although he at least has Bob Seger beat in that department. What he has done is adapt. When he played the grizzled, marble-mouthed Rooster Cogburn in the Coen Brothers’ True Grit, it became clear that Bridges has embraced his destiny. He is the grandfatherly voice of car commercials. He is the down on his luck country music singer.

I have heard more than one woman remark that Jeff Bridges really should shave his beard. I cannot blame them for missing that fresh-faced prodigy of yore. But think about this for a moment: Bridges could make a fine living without ever shaving his beard again. Maybe he will.

Jimmy Stewart

Check him out.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Daniel Day-Lewis

by Geoff Brousseau

“What helps me an awful lot is to somehow get rid of the illusion that I am making a film.”

That is Daniel Day Lewis describing his approach to making movies. The dedication DDL gives to his roles is amazing, and there has not been an actor or actress that has come close to the level of his one of a kind performances.  Here are some of the more exceptional examples of DDL’s method acting brilliance.

·      Day-Lewis trained with former world champion boxer Barry McGuigan, for the movie The Boxer.  McGuigan stated he could have turned professional at the end of their 18 month training period.

·      Day-Lewis refused to get out of his wheelchair for the movie My Left Foot, in which he played Christy Brown, an artist with severe cerebral palsy.  The crew had to carry his wheelchair over wires, and he actually broke two ribs from being hunched over for an extended period of time.

·      DDL has lived off the land for 6 months, in a tent in a Texas oilfield, in a shack he built on a remote Canadian island, in a wooden house he built with 17^th century tools, and in an abandoned prison all to help himself become completely immersed in his character.      

Daniel Day-Lewis’ level of method acting makes Christian Bale look like Chris Kattan in comparison.  He also goes on the Machinist diet for fun when he gets bored of repairing shoes.  Yes, DDL found the time between accepting SAG Awards to become a cobbler.  Making fun of him for being a cobbler would best not be advised, since he is adept at hunting with a flintlock rifle from preparing for The Last of The Mohicans and throws knives with deadly accuracy thanks to Gangs of New York.

A technician who worked on a couple Daniel Day Lewis movies probably says it best with this quote: “It was as if, during filming, he actually became the person he was playing.”

Ian McKellen

by Patrick Kelly

Ian McKellen’s work has spanned both Shakespearean and modern theatre as well as iconic roles film franchises such as The Lord of the Rings and X-Men.  He’s been very successful in both arenas, garnering numerous nominations and awards, most notably receiving the rank of Knight Bachelor.

Let’s be honest, the primary reason McKellen is on this list is due to his most extraordinary attribute, his voice.  Simultaneously commanding, powerful, and comforting. Not many actors could have pulled off both Gandalf and Magneto.  Such noteworthy performances have earned Sir Ian McKellen a special place in popular culture. 

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Marlon Brando

by Mac White

Which of young Brando’s flawless features strikes you first? Is it the squareness of the jaw? The sublime symmetry of the nose? Maybe it’s the fullness of the lips. Fact is, Brando had about three dozen ways to get a woman hot and bothered. It didn’t hurt that he was widely regarded as the finest actor of his generation. He brought method acting from niche obscurity to mainstream cinema. Stanislavski may have invented the form with his stuffy dramas, but who watches plays anyway? Brando took method to another level. He made it real. For the first time, people could go to the movies and forget that they were watching artifice.

After Brando, it was rarely good enough to just play a part. One had to LIVE the part, on and off set, until the picture was finished. De Niro, Day-Lewis, Bale — all owe Brando a huge debt of gratitude.

Later in life, Brando’s acting career slowed down. But everything about him remained larger than life, especially his appetite. Much like Orson Welles before him, Brando ate only the finest, richest cuisine. By the time he arrived in the Philippines to play Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, Brando had ballooned to grotesque proportions and shaved his head without warning Francis Ford Coppola. And yet, when the cameras rolled Brando still brought the truth. His portrayal of Kurtz is perhaps the purest distillation of maniacal evil ever captured on screen. The performance was a hott dude’s last great gift to the world.

Joe Montana

by Geoff Brousseau

To cut to the chase, Joe Montana is the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Brett Favre? Gunslinger isn’t fit to wear Joe’s jockstrap, literally.  Dan Marino?  He might be better at losing very moderate amounts of weight, but didn’t win a Super Bowl.  Tom Brady? He has mastered the art of impregnating models, but still has one less Super Bowl than Golden Joe.  Terry Bradshaw has the same number of Super Bowl wins, but he makes Lee Corso sound like JFK when he attempts to formulate his asinine thoughts into words, so he’s out.  One of the only blemishes to Montana’s storied career is that he was only the MVP of three out of the four Super Bowls in which he played.  I guess his son could be considered another, too.  

Montana was nicknamed Joe Cool for his icy, efficient play when it mattered most.  Not to be confused with Joe Camel, who made a lot of grade school kids cooler in the 1990’s.  When you have moments in sports history named “The Drive” and “The Catch” after something you directly contributed to accomplishing in the sport in which you played, you had to do something right.

Montana also had the stones to call out Rudy for what he really was: a Vince Papale wannabe.  His devotion to the truth, no matter how damaging to Notre Dame, is commendable.  Long story short, Joe Montana was the best at the most important position in the biggest games in the toughest league in professional sports.  It doesn’t get any more clear cut than that.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Viggo Mortensen

by Patrick Kelly

Ever since his breakthrough performance in The Lord of the Rings Viggo Mortensen has been a hot commodity as a leading man.  Perhaps it’s his earthly, everyman quality with a soft-spoken morality most prominently featured in Cormac McCarthy’s The Road.  Maybe it’s his skills at knife fighting in the nude (Eastern Promises).  Or his ability to ravage women uncomfortably on stairwells – did anybody else see A History of Violence?  Whatever the quality that makes him an ideal protagonist for filmmakers, Mortensen has clearly demonstrated his acting range and his penchant for truly unique roles. 

In addition to his skills in the acting arena, Mortensen also has artistic pursuits in poetry, literature, music, photography, and painting.   He also founded the Perceval Press publishing house in order to help other artists publish works that might not receive support in traditional publishing venues. 

Viggo is a man of the world.  He was born to an American mother and a Danish father in New York City.  He grew up in Venezuela, Denmark, and the Argentina before moving back to New York as a teenager.  In an effort to find life’s greater purpose Mortensen spent time in Europe after graduating from college taking on odd jobs such as a truck driver and flower peddler in Spain, Denmark, and England. He can speak English, Danish Spanish, French, and Italian. In 2010 he was awarded the Knight’s Cross of the Order of Dannebrog (no further explanation necessary).  Plus, he can grow a sweet beard.

Leonardo Dicaprio

by Nick “Hyperlink My Blog” Vandermolen

There was a time when the women of New York were under attack by the hottest dudes in the game - They were the Pussy Posse: a group infamously known for getting into any New York club, causing a scene the likes few have ever seen, then leaving with the finest women - of which they promptly banged to kingdom cum. Prominent members of this breast chasing squad were: Harmony Korine, Lukas Haas, Tobey Maguire, and the levitating magician himself, David Blaine, but they were all led by one leader, the true pussy prowler, Mr. “I’m king of the world” himself, Leonardo Dicaprio. It was under his direct guidance that these members of the Pussy Posse were able to tap ‘dat ass every damn night.

            Romeo + Juliet, Titanic, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Beach – these movies were specially selected by Leo purposely for the pursuit of Pussy. No self respecting man would want to star in a movie where you sink to the bottom of the ocean in a block of ice, or drink poison because some stupid bitch downed a bottle of Tylenol. He did it all for the nookie…like a chump, hey! like a chump, hey! like a chump, hey!

            You see one of America’s greatest living directors, Martin Scorsese, saw all the power that Leo was squandering on women and said to him, “You’re fulfilling your destiny [Leo], become my apprentice. Learn to use the darkside of the force.” And Leo said, “I will do whatever you ask.” It was on that day they Leo became the best Actor in American, because his powers were not put to waste, staring in such Scorsese films as Gangs of New York, The Aviator, The Departed, and Shutter Island.

            There is much buzz over his next movie. In it he will be sharing a “tender” kiss with co-star Armie Hammer.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Arnold Schwarzenegger

by Nick “Coming Day and Night” Jarmo

It’s no secret that if the contestants in this competition were actually physically competing against one another, Schwarzenegger would win. For a man who actually has never lost, ever, in his entire life, Arnold Schwarzenegger would have a hard time not completely obliterating the competition. Often cited as the only human to ever achieve absolute physical perfection, Arnold won Mr. Universe seven times and Mr. Olympia seven times, and hasn’t been beaten now for at least 33 years on the stage. Arnold’s filmography is as impressive as his flexography. Between 1980 and 2003 Schwarzenegger starred in what has amounted to be the most impressive series of films ever produced. On the bodybuilding stage, on the big screen, and in real life Arnold has proven time and again that he is physically, psychologically, and iconically greater than the likes of: Lou Ferrigno, Jesse Ventura, Bill Duke, Tom Arnold, Serge Nubret, Bill Paxton, Bruce Willis, Brad Pitt, James Earl Jones, Sinbad, and many others who would otherwise have fair competition in this bracket. Women drool over his physique. Men are reduced to psychological infants at his whim. The power of his voice shatters the core of the earth. And his undeniable hotness reigns supreme over all time. 

Mel Gibson

by Nick “What Women Want” Jarmo

Mel Gibson gets a bad rap. People see an anti-Semite, a wife-beater, a homophobic, a racist, an alcoholic, and somewhat of a bastard. I call bullshit on that. Does anyone remember Lethal Weapon? Lethal Weapon II? Bravehart? Mad Max? Payback? The Patriot? Every hero has his dark side, and usually that dark side stays hidden beneath the positive press. Unfortunately for Mel Gibson, people forget the past.

Well I didn’t forget about when Mel Gibson faced dozens of Aussie punk nuclear raider-types in the desert, and single-handedly saved a civilization of decent human beings and Tina Turner. I didn’t forget when Mel Gibson overcame the heartache of loss and alcoholism to fight an endless supply of crime bosses, side by side with a useless old man. He saved LA going on seven times now, I think. Mel Gibson gave his life and his bowels for freedom in Scotland, and didn’t cave under the hand of Longshank’s executioner. I also remember Gibson ruthlessly killing redcoats like he was back in the French & Indian War.

But you, the collective hot babe of America, probably remember something different, if you are generous enough to forget current scandal. You probably remember a young Gibson, spouting his sexy Australian accent. You probably remember a scene from Lethal Weapon 1 where Gibson hangs from a chain, exposing delicious abdominals. You probably remember the long-haired Scot, overencumbered with muscles, wit, genuine love, and a true purpose. Remember where you allegiance lay before Gibson went crazy. Remember that poster of William Wallace that hung beside your bed, when you thought “Alas, this is true love.”

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Daniel Craig

by Nick “Suit or Muscles” Jarmo

You read his name. And I bet right now you’re Googling pictures of him on the beach wearing a pair of blue trunks that advertise a generous bulge and underline a massive and uncannily proportioned upper body. But the piercing eyes of Daniel Craig are what draw the women in so dangerously close. I know plenty that won’t admit that they lay awake at night, lusting over this Englishman, so powerful and convincing, imagining that they were that exotic broad Craig was about to bag – or leave, because he had more important things to do. He has whatever he wants.

He looks perfect in a suit, he looks better on the beach, and he looks best when strangling the life out of a terrorist spy with his bare hands. Craig is known to ravage. Read into this. Look into his eyes. Listen to his hypnotic voice. Feel his chiseled body. Let fate happen.

Gregory Peck

by Patrick Kelly

Gregory Peck’s career defining moment came with his performance as Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird, for which he won the Academy Award, on his fifth nomination, and was named American Film Institute’s greatest screen hero of all time.  He long served as the moral compass of the silver screen demonstrating the virtues of strength, intelligence, and conviction.  He won the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1969, the nation’s highest civilian honor, for his humanitarian pursuits and the American Film Institute’s Lifetime Achievement Award in 1989.

Peck was politically engaged throughout his lifetime. In 1947, he signed a letter against a House Un-American Activities Committee investigation of alleged communists in the film industry despite the threat of being blacklisted. President Richard Nixon placed Peck on his enemies list due to his liberal activism.  Pretty hott, right?

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Robert De Niro

by Mac White

“You talkin’ to me?”

“I never went down, Ray. Hear me? You never got me down.”

“Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.”

“What if you do got me boxed in, and I gotta put you down?”

“Better to be a king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.”

Do I even need to go on? Nobody plays tough, ignorant, or dangerous better than Robert De Niro. Often he plays all three – convincingly – in the same film. Nobody ever combined swagger with vulnerability so seamlessly.

Obviously Leonardo DiCaprio wakes up every morning and wishes he could be De Niro. That’s a lot of disappointing mornings. Leo could make 100 more pictures with Martin Scorsese and it still wouldn’t be so.

Put it this way: When you star in Mean Streets, The Godfather Part II, Taxi Driver, The Deerhunter, Raging Bull, The King of Comedy, and Goodfellas within a span of 14 years, you’ve already cemented your legacy. I think Bob can be forgiven for cashing in with a few Meet the Parents sequels.

Rather than being reduced to self-parody like the other great actors of his generation (Pacino and Nicholson come readily to mind), De Niro remains unscathed – one of the “Untouchables”. Oh yeah, he was in that awesome movie, too.

Ed Harris

by Patrick Kelly

Ed Harris, the blue-eyed chameleon.  Ed Harris’s has demonstrated his acting range time and time again.  He’s capable of playing the sympathetic everyman (Empire Falls) or a blood-chilling villain (A History of Violence) or a hell bent vigilante (The Rock).  A NASA Flight Director (Apollo 13) or a figment of your imagination (A Beautiful Mind).  We’ve seen him mince words with Al Pacino and Kevin Spacey in David Mamet’s Glengarry Glen Ross and direct and star in his labor of love, Pollock.

 Ed Harris is a man’s man.  A quiet man capable of a soft-spoken charisma and steely intensity nigh unheard of in actors of this generation. 

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Steve McQueen

by Nick “Harley Davidson” Jarmo

If you really tried to live life on the edge in the 1960s and 1970s, you’d probably never make it there, because Steve McQueen was the edge, and none had him bested in his own game. Steve McQueen was all things manly: fast cars, fast motorcycles, fast women, and a fast rise to the top. His precision nerve and daredevil spirit brought him fame in racing both cars and motorcycles. In his time he was considered one of the best in motorsports, and certainly the hottest. McQueen was actually credited with the first lap time hot enough to actually blow a woman’s panties off. But McQueen’s easily won on-screen prowess brought him international stardom. At his peak he was the most famous star in the world. His allure was strengthened by his all-American charm, his impressive physique, and the classic fashion style that started a revolution in turtlenecks and sweaters.

If the degree to which men have desired to be Steve McQueen is any indication of how hott he is, perhaps we can turn to a legend of hotness himself: Bruce Lee. According to Chuck Norris, an infallible source and one of Lee’s close associates, Bruce Lee’s mysterious death can be attributed to his constant unattainable desire to overcome the immense fame, fortune, stardom, and ultimate hotness of Steve McQueen, who was at the time on top of the world. This fact that one of the greatest minds and bodies of mankind aspired to the level of McQueen speaks volumes to the pure hotness of Steve McQueen himself.

Stevie Wonder

by Geoff Brousseau

Stevie Wonder has had to overcome many obstacles along the way to achieving international superstardom.  Born Stevland Hardaway Judkins, Stevie had to overcome blindness, smell blindness, racism, and hardest of all being named Stevland Hardaway Judkins.  Stevie never let any of those become an impediment to anything he wanted in life.  Spitting in the face of child labor laws, Wonder started making a living writing hits at the ripe old age of 13 and hasn’t let up since.

Not that winning a Grammy Award means you are the best in your genre or proves that you are a competent musician, but Stevie did manage to win a shitload.  Twenty-two to be exact, just behind Russian-American superstar Vladimir Horowitz.  On top of all of his own hits, Stevie’s songs have been used to propel other artists to the upper echelons of the music industry.  Coolio and Sisqo owe their sustained, decades long success to Songs in the Key of Life.

Outside of the obvious musical accomplishments, Stevie is also a selfless activist.  He contributed mightily to the phrase “It’s a day on, not a day off” being added to the lexicon of the English language.  He is also a United Nations Messenger of Peace, but a not a douchey Messenger of Peace like Bono.  Stevie’s music has the uncanny ability to simultaneously be uplifting, awe-inspiring and poignant.  No matter what mood you are in, just listen to “Sir Duke” and you will instantly feel better about yourself and the potential of the human race in general.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Matt Damon

by Patrick Kelly

The debate over Matt Damon vs. Mark Wahlberg is one of the most raucous in the history of hot dudes and is one of the main reasons Hott Dudes exists.  With that said, this first round matchup is clear cut.  Rick Boven summed it up best when he said that Wahlberg is hard but Matt Damon is hard with a soft center. The remainder of this article will refrain from shots at Marky Mark.

Matt Damon studied English at Harvard but dropped out as a senior to pursue his acting career.  Shortly thereafter he won an Academy Award as co-author (how much do you think Ben Affleck really wrote?) of Good Will Hunting.  I guess he made the right choice.  Since then Damon has prospered, with a wide array of roles and critically performances in films such as Courage Under Fire, The Rainmaker, Saving Private Ryan, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Syriana, The Good Shepherd, The Departed, Invictus, and True Grit.  He’s also starred in two blockbuster franchises in the Bourne and Ocean’s series.

Matt Damon has won and been nominated for countless awards and James Lipton believes he is the thinking man’s movie star.  How can argue with that?  Plus, he had huge muscles in Invictus and has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.  In addition, Damon has been a fantastic guest star on 30 Rock, was responsible for the greatest guest appearance in the history of Entourage, and can do an amazing impersonation of Matthew McConaughey.

Damon isn’t some beatnik artist or a Buff Bagwell wannabe, obsessed with his abs; he’s a man of principle. He’s politically active.  For example, he doesn’t want Sarah Palin to get the nuke codes.  He’s heavily involved in charity work through the ONE Campaign, Feeding America, H2O Africa Foundation, and Water.org.  Not to mention, he’s quietly married to a normal chick, not some Hollywood starlet; that’s got to be worth some bonus points.

Mark Wahlberg

by Nick “Play it to the Bone” Jarmo

There’s only one thing you need to know about Mark Wahlberg: He’s real. Forget the movies, forget the characters and hype. Mark Wahlberg, by the time he was a teenager, was the real deal. His was a steady progression to the top: Smoking cigarettes, snorting coke, running coke, breaking jaws, breaking skulls, causing permanent blindness, attempting murder. This was just the start.

Wahlberg’s stardom started when he quit New Kids on the Block, which was a bunch of boys pretending to be girls. Instead he became a real rapper made one of the sexiest underwear videos of all time called Good Vibrations. From there he became the hottest man on earth: “He was named #1 on VH1’s 40 Hottest Hotties of the 90’s.” He became a bona fide underwear model and fitness icon. His body was notably the first to be officially labeled as “hot” by Guinness Book of World Records. He coined the phrase “If I get diesel, maybe I’ll get some skins.” And he was diesel, and he got skins. Wahlberg’s reputation actually was in danger of becoming too sexy, when an elaborate cover-up story was created to convince viewers of this breakthrough film Boogie Nights that the penis depicted dangling from his character’s groin was actually a prosthetic.

It probably serves to mention that Mark Wahlberg also starred in and produced some of the most successful films and television series to date, and as of late both his professional work and his rock-solid appearance have become more focused and tantalizing, even conjectured to a point of perfection.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Shawn Michaels

by Patrick Kelly

“How do you not say that Shawn Michaels isn’t the greatest to ever live?”  That is how legendary professional wrestling commentator, Jim Ross, ends the Shawn Michaels documentary Heartbreak and Triumph and it is difficult to disagree with his assessment.  Michaels’ in-ring prowess earned him the nicknames “The Headliner,” “The Showstopper,” “The Icon,” “The Main Event,” and most notably, “Mr. Wrestlemania” for his tendency not only have the best match of the night but to put on the standout performance of the year consistently on wrestling biggest stage.  He’s been part of some of the greatest matches of all-time including:

vs. Razor Ramon in a Ladder match at WrestleMania X,

vs. Bret Hart in an Iron Man match at WrestleMania XII,

vs. Chris Benoit and Triple H at WrestleMania XX

vs. Ric Flair at WrestleMania XXIV,

vs. The Undertaker at WrestleMania XXV,

vs. The Undertaker in a Career vs. Streak match at WrestleMania XXVI.

Michaels has been a part of some of the biggest and most influential angles in the history of professional wrestling, including the Kliq and Madison Square Garden Incident, D-Generation X, the Montreal Screwjob, and the retirement of Ric Flair.  He’s had some of the most heated rivalries ever against such greats as Chris Jericho, Triple H, Razor Ramon, Bret Hart and The Undertaker. He blazed trails in the WWE by participating the first editions of the ladder match, Hell in a Cell match, and Elimination Chamber match.  He was also the first person to ever win the Royal Rumble as the initial entrant and the company’s first Grand Slam Champion.

The Heartbreak Kid overcame injury, personal demons, and a predilection for painkillers and alcohol in the earlier 2000s to have, astonishingly, a greater second half to his career than first half.  At the conclusion of his career Michaels’ accolades included a four world championships, 3 Intercontinental Championships, winner of two Royal Rumbles, and record 11 Slammy Awards in addition to being a heartthrob and singing his own theme song.

Justin Timberlake

by Mac White

Justin Timberlake was born in 2002. His first musical venture of any kind was the critically acclaimed album Justified, which is made up of 13 songs about fucking Britney Spears (when she was hot). Right around this time, Timberlake decided it would be a good idea to become the white Usher.

One fateful morning, a hung-over, disheveled Timberlake awoke from a night of tantric sex with about a dozen co-eds. Realizing he was already late for a GQ fashion shoot across town, Timberlake absent-mindedly pulled a sweater over his shirt and tie. The move changed men’s fashion forever.

Later that day, he popped a couple of ibuprofen tabs and sat down at his desk to read over a new script his agent had given him. It was Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales. Seeing that his character didn’t have to do much more than swig a Bud and dance drunkenly through a room of dolled-up nurses to the beat of All These Things That I Have Done, Timberlake took the part. He would go on to expand on that concept in his sophomore album, FutureSex/LoveSounds.

On television, he put his hand on Janet Jackson’s boob and his dick in a box. Then he went back to putting his dick in much more interesting places. Timberlake also created Napster, which would have seemed counterproductive to a lesser iconoclast.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Johnny Cash

by Nick “9 FEET TALL, 900 POUNDS” Jarmo

Of all men in the history of hottness, none possess a more eclectic arsenal of virtue that lend to ultimate hottness. The Man in Black was a rebel, an outlaw, a badass, a renegade, a cowboy, a hard drinker, a hard worker, and hard to get. But at his roots Cash was a farmer, a simple man, a God-fearing man, who loved perhaps more than he was lusted over. His image, his signature railroad sound, and his defiant attitude captured the hearts of Americans for decades.

If the woman a man keeps is any indication of his hottness, it is very apparent that Cash outranks all men. Johnny Cash scored June Carter, arguable one of the hottest babes of all time. It has been said, however, that the fire of Johnny Cash’s hottness burned so deep within the heart of Pasty Cline that she had to completely isolate herself from him, for fear of being consumed by unimaginable passion for a man she could never attain. All women feel this emotion for Johnny Cash, and it is only in his passing that woman can now feel the burden of his hottness lift.

Kurt Russell

by Nick “Old Man” Jarmo

The regular anti-hero has always held vast appeal with modern babes, and Kurt Russell is no exception to this rule. In fact, Kurt Russell probably created this rule. The 1980s were a time of unparalleled manliness, and at the forefront of this movement within pop-culture Kurt Russell brought an explosive convulsion of attributes that have become both classic and unrivaled through time. The sweeping full head of hair, piercing and unrelenting eyes (one often mysteriously covered by an eye patch), the squarest and manliest jawline ever captured on film, and impressive hardbody physique, and an attitude that was harder than his abs. His look and sound also became known as the closest thing to Elvis since Elvis, but without the abdominal girth and addiction of the man.

The 1990s brought subtle changes to Kurt Russell that would shock and awe women across the world. A new and irresistible charm, hidden under the sexiest mustache since the real Wyatt Earp, took women to the edge. Any man that can make Billy Bob Thorton look like a schoolgirl deserves praise. Lately Russell again brought the world to its knees with a professional wrestling stint that left him as undisputed champion, a man arguably more feared in the ring than the late Papa Shango.

The bottom line with Kurt Russell is that he’s American, he’s badass, he’s tough-as-shit, and nobody can play his part.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Brad Pitt  w/ Mustache

by Nick Vandermolen

            Staring in such films as Fight Club, A River Runs Through It, the Ocean’s trilogy, Troy (where you see his naked butt) and Legends of the Fall - a film made famous by Pitt’s knife fight with a bear – Brad Pitt is America’s treasures. This Academy Award winning, Golden Globe nominated, and the first 2-time solo winner of People’s Sexiest man Alive, is the image of the American Man. But, when he grows one of time’s perfect mustaches, he becomes the very image of man itself.

            In late 2008 Pitt first revealed his upper lip’s badge-of-man to then queen of the world, Oprah Winfrey. It was there that housewives around the world first caught a glimpse of true man and undoubtedly wet themselves through there cotton-poly blend baking aprons. Sexual fantasies of his naked butt were instantaneously replaced by his bristled upper lip. This appearance sparked a renaissance of facial hair all across Hollywood, stars like James Franko, Yankee’s first baseman Jason Giambi, even best friend George Clooney all grew hair to steal even a fraction of the limelight from the this mustache magnate.

            It was with mustache in tow that Pitt took the role of one of films greatest characters, Lt. Aldo Raine; a nazi-scalping, former moonshine-runner, leader of the imfamous (inglorious) team known simply as the bastards. How can we forget cinema’s most memorable and quotable scene, “I’m putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers…”

            He was once called “brave” for bringing to life such a potent piece of philrumic follicliculi. And he’d have to be brave, he’s got six kids, a bang’n-ass wife, and even owns his own production company, Plan B. Can the world be wrong? How can this 2-time world’s sexiest man not also be the hottest dude?            

Ewan McGregor

by Geoff Brousseau

Ewan McGregor is one of the most fearless actors in Hollywood today.  He isn’t afraid to show “the goods” for the good of the movie, as he has one of the highest full frontal nudity counts of non-porn star actors.  He also isn’t afraid to take on unconventional roles, either, like heroin addict Renton in Trainspotting, which he plays to perfection. 

Ewan pulled a Che Guevara and went for a marathon motorcycle trip with one of his friends from London to New York City.  No, he isn’t the second coming of Christ; he drove from London across Europe, Russia, and Canada to the fucking Big Apple.  Soon after, he decided that South Africa would be a nice place to vacation.  Why not drive there from Scotland on his motorcycle?    

Ewan McGregor certainly deserves credit for being in the majority of the good scenes in the Star Wars prequels.  His fights with Darth Maul, General Grievous, and Anakin are the best scenes out of the prequels.  It would have been nice to see him slice everybody’s favorite Gungan, Jar Jar, in half, but you can’t really blame that not happening on Ewan.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

John Lennon

by Mac White

Given that Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966, John Lennon has attained unchallenged status as the best Beatle. And as best Beatle he could very well be the biggest rock icon of all time. His songwriting credentials are too well-established to repeat here. Turn on the radio and hear the sound of money being transferred to his estate.

In Yoko Ono, John Lennon found a kindred spirit. She was his muse — a person to pose naked with for an album cover or two. Best of all, she did not begrudge him an  occasional lost weekend in L.A. Like any pop star of his day, John survived on strippers and booger sugar. He made jokes about Ringo behind his back and secretly believed that George Harrison was already becoming an aging hippie in the 1970s. John’s life was cut short before he could ever approach the atrocious artistic lows of Wings, the McCartney surrogate’s solo project.

 Lennon famously said that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. It’s true; I listen to the Beatles a lot and almost never read the Bible. It’s ironic that hearing the original version of “Imagine” is about as close as I’ve come to a religious experience.

Tom Hanks

by Patrick Kelly

Apparently, I was supposed to write the bio for Tom Hanks.  Well, that one slipped through the cracks.  But do not fear.  With a man this great the process should be easy.

Tom Hanks.  Is there a more charming man on the planet?  Seriously.  I can’t think of one.  He started the CoCo phenomenon.  He even got a pretty serious interview out of Stephen Colbert.  And he ends all his Tweets “Hanx.”

Tom Hanks has had three distinct components to his career. The comedy component.  The serious actor component.  The history-maker component. 

Hanks’ comedy skills were on display, predominately during his early work, with some classics of the 80s such as Splash, The Money Pit, and Big as well as some cult classics (or maybe I just have very fond memories of them) like The ‘Burbs and Joe Versus the Volcano.  His more recent comedy-focused work has been in the Toy Story series, which last time I check was very well received by critics and the masses alike.

Hanks began to transition into more serious roles in the early 90s and won Best Actor Academy Awards in both 1993 and 1994 for his performances in Philadelphia and Forrest Gump, respectively.  He has followed that up with some other great roles in films such as Cast Away, Road to Perdition, and Catch Me If You Can.

The third component to Hanx is his desire to translate historical events into some of the best historical drama ever put to celluloid.  He has accomplished this through both acting (Apollo 13, Saving Private Ryan, and Charlie Wilson’s War) and producing/directing (From the Earth to the Moon, Band of Brothers, John Adams, and The Pacific).

Tom Hanks is the youngest recipient of the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award and is one of nine men to have two Academy Awards for Best Actor.  Not bad for a kid from a self-described “fractured” family with no acting experience.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

George Clooney

by Nick Vandermolen

We can sit here and talk about how great of an actor George Clooney is – from Up in the Air, to Confessions of a dangerous Mind, to From Dusk til Dawn…hell and let’s not forget the Ocean’s Trilogy – damn! – this academy award winning actor is baller as fuck. We know this. Ladies be drip’n since 94’ when ol’ Doug Ross MD been romanticizing that curly haired broad. And – fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-n-n-n-n-n-ne! – I’m sure you think he’s bitch’n because he’s been a united nations messenger of piece since 2008 and really cares about Darfur – smack! -  I just smacked my lips for that….But have you seen his boat!

            His boat is raw as hell and all Hollywood vixens steam to that shit to partake in the wide open lawlesslessness of the high seas: Uma Thurman, Bill Murray, even Cindy Crawford boarded Capt. Clooney’s MEGA-yacht and got caught topless. Think anybody was pantsless? Oh, and by boat, I mean mega-yacht, AKA luxury yacht. But doesn’t that perfectly sum up Clooney: Luxury. He personifies classic Hollywood - a style no woman can turn down in the sack - only even being seen in a suit (typically the dark charcoal with unpleated trousers) [and/or] (or shirtless). He’s also an ambassador for OMEGA watches: The Sign of Excellence.

            He typifies luxury and excellence; bound by nothing he is the embodiment of freedom. On the silver screen, in the bedroom, he is a work of art, unbound and unrestrained as he says himself, “I didn’t live my life in the right way for politics, you know. I fucked to many chicks and did too many drugs, and that’s the truth.” They’re will never be another like him.

Richard Dreyfuss

by Patrick Kelly

Some of you know Richard Dreyfuss from some of the more memorable his performances of his career as an anxious Jewish kid, a mashed potato sculptor, a hustler, a school teacher, but there is much, much more to the man. Before starting his acting career, in kind, he was a conscientious objector to the Vietnam War and served two years as a clerk in a Los Angeles hospital.  Although Dreyfuss lacks classic Hollywood good looks by the 1970s, he managed to establish himself as a major star with leading performances in two of the highest-grossing films of that decade, Jaws and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, despite being addicted to cocaine.

Dreyfuss has long been one of the most contemplative and convictional members of Hollywood and never fell into the trap of just becoming crony for summer blockbusters. Some of his more heartfelt roles such as Curt in American Graffiti, Elliot in The Goodbye Girl (for which he won an Academy Award), Glenn Holland in Mr. Holland’s Opus reflect this point. I would also like to add, Dreyfuss aged 50 years over the course of two and half hours well before some toady named Brad Pitt tried it in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. 

Today, when he isn’t playing Dick Cheney or taking a role in Piranha 3-D, Richard Dreyfuss spends his time studying civics at Oxford and advocating civics as part of American primary school curriculum. 

*Author’s Note: As far as I know Richard Dreyfuss never played a role where he had a butterfly tattooed on the back of his back.  Suck it, Clooney.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Jimi Hendrix

by Nick “DTF” Jarmo

Everyone has seen his name at the top of the “100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time” list that has been recreated so many times. This legacy has kept Hendrix in the collective conscience of pop culture since his early death, but there has been one momentous negative affect of this status: it has served to eclipse the real reason Hendrix deserves to be enshrined, particularly in the hearts of day-tripping women across the globe. Hendrix was, in his heyday, an icon of pure and absolute sexual creationism, a manifest of lust and free love. Everyone remembers the marathon guitar solos, but few remember the plaster mold of Hendrix’s mutant-sized penis that made its way into the households of America women and effectively ended the Baby Boom. Few remember the high fashion, the progressive hairstyles, the smooth talk, the exposed chest, the mustache, the constant use of drugs and use of women. And the guitar was not the only thing Hendrix mastered. Hendrix was the man who blew out so may women that Wilt Chamberlain could only have sex with 20,000.

Patrick Stewart

by Nick Vandermolen

Before he was Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise or Professor Xavier, caretaker for those gifted youngsters known as the X-men, Patrick Stewart was in captivating a live studio audience as member of the Royal Shakespeare company. It was during this time that Stewart was classically trained to pronounce every syllable and command every line. It was these skills that at the age of 47 led him to take command of the bridge, and play his most memorable role: Captain Jean-Luc Picard. He has found great success as a Hollywood star. But, in 2004 he expressed his need to return the to the stage – live performances were what his heart yearned for. So he returned to the Royal Shakespeare Company to follow his heart and fulfill his dreams.

            Why, at the peak of his career would this blockbuster actor go back to the stage performing the same show over and over each night? Total Identification: When the every sense of the viewer becomes one with what you are watching - instead of passive, you become a participant – the memories so real they become indiscernible from the manufactured event. By taking away the viewing screen Stewart can become one with you, the audience, and the audience one with him, and central reality, a true reality in which he is in control as if through hypnosis rather then resorting to CGI, 3-D, or even THX sound. He is the vassal thorough which the memory is made, and thus Patrick Steward is the definer of your reality.        

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Paul McCartney

by Geoff Brousseau

Sir Paul McCartney has never been too keen on titles, which is ironic because he has gained quite a few awesome ones.  “Most successful musician and composer in popular music history”, and “greatest composer of the millennium” are a couple of the more meritorious examples.  When you write the most popular song of all time, are in the most popular band of all time and sell 60 gold records and 100 million singles, those things will happen.  It is especially impressive considering he actually died in 1967.

Speaking of the most popular band of all time, Paul was regarded as the best musician of all of the Beatles.  An interviewer once asked John Lennon, “Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?”  Lennon’s reply was, “Ringo isn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles” in reference to Paul.   He played bass and piano in most of the Beatles’ songs, guitar in a few and drums in at least two Beatles songs.

Paul McCartney is also devoted to the ones he loves as much as he is to his music.  One of the few times he was away from his wife Linda was when he got busted for having a whole shit load of weed in Japan and went to jail for 10 days.  He was banned from Japan, but they couldn’t stay mad at a face like that and let him come back 10 years later to perform in Tokyo.

Paul McCartney continues to rock around the world just like back in the days of Beatlemania.  His command performances with Presidents Obama and Putin show that he is still the most respected and admired musician alive.

Al Pacino

by Mac White

In order to make a compelling case for Al Pacino as the hottest dude around, you don’t have to do much more than remind people that he played Michael Corleone. Think about this: The Godfather was a book before it was a movie. Has anyone in the last 40 years tried to read that book without picturing Al Pacino as the badass main character?

  It must be intimidating to step in front of the camera opposite Al Pacino. For one thing, it is almost a certainty that he is going to out-act you. He probably won’t even take you seriously, given the talent he has worked with throughout the course of his illustrious career. Remember, we’re talking about a guy who starred in The Godfather, Serpico, The Godfather Part II, and Dog Day Afternoon … all within a three-year span.

Pacino hasn’t exactly mellowed in his old age. He’s still the guy directors call when they need a fiery speech. He has the ability to inject memorable moments into otherwise forgettable movies. The gravitas is still there, all these years later. And at 70 years old, he’s still pulling sexier chicks than you are.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Idris Elba

by Patrick Kelly

“Fact: All men in Africa hold hands,” Nick Vandermolen famously once said.

Well, Idris Elba isn’t from Africa but I’m sure he thinks your full of shit, Vandermolen.

Idris Elba is a bit of a wildcard in this tournament.  Although his resume may seem slight, his portrayal of Stringer Bell in The Wire has solidified him as a force to be reckoned with.  Not only did he learn about macroeconomics at community college but he’s been known to read Adam Smith in his high-rise condo.

Perhaps most dangerously, ladies love Idris Elba. Probably because he appears to have gone to the Boyz II Men School of Love Making.

Next to Harrison Ford, Elba is Hott Dudes’ most popular dude.  Making him the dark horse to claim the tournament title.  Watch out fellas.  I’ll let the picture speak for itself.

Cary Grant

by Nicholas Vandermolen

Classic Hollywood is defined by the studio system – meaning actors were slaves to the major studios, having no choice in there films, often times being forced to change there name, have unwanted relationships or being pushed into scandals for simple publicity reason. One man was the first to stand up and say “no” to this system, his name was Cary Grant. He was the first to be free, to be independent.

            He was a truly independent man, balking at the system, as we know it, a rebel before being rebellious was cool, or even defined…because he was the first.

            He lived his life being first. Year before divorce was acceptable in American society Cary Grant divorced plenty of wives. In fact in his lifetime he had 5 different wives. Lovers on the side? Did you know he was one of the first Hollywood stars to be accused of homosexuality? Alexander D’Arcy said, “I think Cary knew that people were saying things about him. I don’t think he tried to hide it [being gay].” He was even the first Hollywood star to try and truly expand the mind of his audience – after years of trying to find inner peace, using yoga, hypnotism, and mysticism he found true peace in LSD. And he wasn’t afraid to share the good news, the first to do so.

            Howard Hawks said that Grant was “so far the best that there isn’t anybody to be compared to him.” How can anyone compare to the first? 

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Mickey Mantle

by Geoff Brousseau

In an era where the majority of baseball players didn’t appear to be athletes in the modern steroid sense of the word, or even healthy adults for that matter, Mickey Mantle was a beast of a man.  He is credited with hitting some of the longest homeruns in MLB history, from both sides of the plate to boot.  As we know, chicks dig the long ball, and he happened to also hit a lot of home runs off the field as one of the most notorious lady killers in professional sports.     

In an era where athletes were also tough SOBs, The Mick might well have been the toughest.  He started his career with osteomyelitis in his leg, which is no picnic in itself.  Throughout his career, Mickey chalked up ligament tears, cartilage tears, bone abscesses and dislocations to just about every body part required to be a competent baseball player.  The most impressive part may be that since there were not proper surgery techniques when he tore his ACL in the 1951 World Series, he may have played on a torn ACL for 17 years.  This makes pretty much every modern athlete appear to be a pussy in comparison.  Despite these injuries, he did manage to be a 20 time MLB All Star, hit 536 home runs, and win 7 World Series titles with the Yankees during his career. 

Mantle also continued the great Yankee legacy of playing hungover and passed it on to future greats.  It is unclear how great Mantle possibly could have been had he decided to binge drink even more before his games.  As it stands, The Mick is still considered one of the most outstanding baseball players and Americans of all-time.

Kirk Douglas

by Patrick Kelly

From the iconic dimpled chin to his classic performances in Spartacus and Paths of Glory, Kirk Douglas is clearly a hott dude. “I’ve made a career of playing sons of bitches,” Douglas once remarked in reference to his badassness.  While pursuing his acting career Douglas put food on the table as professional wrestler before enlisting in the Navy to serve in World War II.  Kirk Douglas epitomized The Greatest Generation and the American Dream coming from a poor family and having worked over forty jobs before making it as an actor.

If further proof of his hotness is necessary just look at the fruit of his loins, Michael Douglas, a hott dude in his own right, who bears many of the same classic features of the Douglas alpha male.

In 1981, he earned the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award.  He has also received countless other honors such as the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award and an Academy Honorary Award “for 50 years as a creative and moral force in the motion picture community.” Kirk Douglas will forever hold a place in history as a Hollywood hard man. 

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Bret Hart

by Mac White

Bret Hart is a man whose raw (is war) wrestling talent was only eclipsed by his fondness for nicknames. “The Hitman.” “The Excellence of Execution.” The list is long — practically as long as the litany of submission holds mastered by Chris Jericho.

At the height of his glory, Wrestlemania XII, Bret thrived on competitive fire. He saw in Shawn Michaels the first real challenge to his era of dominance. The Hitman trained for months leading up to the Ironman match against Michaels. Few remember that Bret actually won that match. For a few tantalizing seconds, it seemed that he had beaten back the tides of progress. The charismatic Michaels and his aerial prowess would not rule the day. Bret Hart would be champion forever. Then, the Powers That Be overturned the decision. The match went on. Michaels somehow got the best of Bret that night in Anaheim.

Today, Bret thrives on something else: bitterness. He has not forgiven Vince McMahon for the Montreal Screw Job. He still hates the WWE on some primal level because of what they allowed to happen to his brother Owen. Not even the social media bigwigs will give Bret a fair shake. To this day his Twitter handle remains unverified. And yet the Hitman legend stands out of time, representing all that is good and wholesome and consistent in this world. “The Hottest There Is, The Hottest There Was, and The Hottest There Ever Will Be.”

Val Kilmer

by Geoff Brousseau

Thespian.  Singer/Songwriter.  Genius.  All of these words have been used to describe Val Kilmer.   Despite contributing mightily to one of the greatest beach volleyball scenes and shootout scenes in movie history (sadly not simultaneous), he still doesn’t receive the respect that some of his contemporaries receive. 

Some so called “hollywood insiders” have demonized Kilmer as being an impossible actor to work with, attempting to besmirch his reputation with nicknames like “Psycho Kilmer”.  On the contrary, co-stars have lauded his hardworking and dedicated demeanor on set.  But honestly, who’s opinion do you value more?  The man who attempted to drive the Batman franchise into the ground.  Or arguably the greatest dwarf actor of all time?  I don’t think this is even debatable.

Val Kilmer had all of the essential ingredients it took to be a leading man in hollywood (acting ability, rapier wit, uncanny prowess in bedding leading actresses), but never really desired to be one.  This is evident by his refusal to live amongst the glitz and glam of Hollywood and instead amongst the buffalo in New Mexico.  Kilmer has always been and continues to be a maverick in Hollywood, even if his callsign is Iceman.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Christian Bale

by Nicholas Vandermolen

Christian Bale has “no instinct for self-preservation.” In every role he’ll put his life and body on the line to shape the creature you take pleasure in seeing on screen. When he played psycho-killer Patrick Bateman in American Psycho he spent month subjecting his body to cancer causing tanning lights to achieve the “Olympian physique” the role required. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also killed a few bums or sluts. In 2004, he became the emaciated for his role in The Machinist. Eating only apples and coffee for months, melting to 121 pounds. During this time he even deprived himself of sleep to achieve a sunken faced skeletal appearance. He described his near-death malnutrition as, “Very calming mentally.”

         It is only a man who cares not of life that can truly play a man who fears not of death. And it was this man, Bale, who could be the only one to truly embody the Batman, the most fearless of them all. Bale spoke on playing the indomitable Batman: “Batman is his hidden demonic-filled side…He’s capable of enacting violence — and to kill…” Inside of Bale is Demon. And it is this demon, through the (satanic) sacrifice of self, that gifted him the ability to tap into on of his greatest rolls, the Gun Kata expert Grammaton Cleric, John Preston. In this roll he single handedly took the life of 118 individuals – the third most kills of any movie.

         Bale will sacrifice everything to become his roles, even his own life. And this is why he is star of one of the highest grossing films of all time. His life, his sacrifice.  

Javier Bardem

by Patrick Kelly

I’ll admit it, Javier Bardem is a good looking dude, he’s got a unique baritone of a voice and that whole latin-lover thing going for him.  Plus, he’s married and impregnated Penelope Cruz.  So even if he doesn’t take home this tournament’s crown he’s still a winner. 

The Spaniard is proving to be quite the performer, having already been nominated for three Academy Awards and winning Best Supporting Actor for his haunting portrayal (did you see that haircut?) of Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men. He’s only 42 after all.  Other notable films include Before Night Falls, Collateral, and Biutiful.

If you need any proof of his ability to woo ladies just check out Vicky Cristina Barcelona where he is romantically involved with both Cruz and Scarlett Johansson.  He was so much of a cocksman on set that Penelope Cruz couldn’t get enough and the two decided to bone in real life.

Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Harrison Ford

by Patrick Kelly

Smuggler, archaeologist, President of the United States. These are just a few of the widely varied roles that Harrison Ford has been responsible for throughout a storied career.  A career that has made him arguably the greatest movie star of all time, with key roles in two of the most successful franchises in the history of film: Star Wars and Indiana Jones.  He’s played parts in other blockbusters such as American Graffiti, Apocalypse Now, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, and Air Force One making him the third highest grossing U.S. domestic star, bring in over $3 billion during the course of his career.  Ford received critical acclaim for his performances in Blade Runner, Witness, Presumed Innocent, and The Fugitive. His talents have been recognized through multiple Academy Award, Golden Globe, and BAFTA nominations as well as the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award.

Perhaps even more impressive is the legacy of Harrison Ford’s portrayal of the rebellious, sarcastic anti-hero, which has gone on to influence countless films, characters, and actors (see George Clooney). Although many have tried none have been able to truly replicate the quick-witted, rye humor of Harrison Ford.  Has there ever been another human in history that’s been able to finger point as well as him?  He’s dedicated to his friends and family and will fight dirty if necessary.  He’s got a scar that chicks dig. Plus, I’m pretty sure he comes up with all his own lines, as evidenced by this moment of cinematic brilliance.

Not only is Harrison Ford an icon of cinema but he has practical skills that put normal men to shame, from carpentry to aviation.  Before his acting breakthrough Ford cut his teeth as a self-taught carpenter in order to provide for his family.  His work at the time included building a recording studio for Sérgio Mendes and working as a stagehand for The Doors. These days, when Ford isn’t busy tearing it up onscreen he’s flying search and rescue missions and dropping medical supplies and personnel into earthquake ravaged countries.  He also keeps his personal life very private and doesn’t put up with any shit, just ask Sacha Baron Cohen.   Harrison Ford’s tireless work ethic and down-to-earth nature should serve as a model for men all across the world.  

One of the most contentious debates on the planet today comes down to a simple question: who is hotter Han Solo or Indiana Jones?  I’ve got news for you, either way, Harrison Ford wins.

Bear Grylls

by Nick Vandermolen

Anthologists say that the bear was the first animal to be revered by humans. It is the great Ursa Minor, the Great Bear in the stars, that ancients said looked over this earth and protected it. Is it any wonder that this hott dude is name Bear, Bear Grylls.

            As host of the show Man vs. Wild, Bear, does dangerous, inventive, and thing so disgusting you can only find them in the darkest corners of the Internet. He’s peed on his clothes to stay cool, cut open a camel and slept in it, pooped of the edge of a cliff and even drank squeezed liquid from elephant dung – all to stay alive. On any given day Bear is parachuting into hostel territory, just to see how close he can get to death. Every time he has come out alive.   

            He’s no daredevil or someone looking for fame. This is his nature, adventurer  -one of the last truly free men. And as free the whole world is in his hand. He led the first team to circumnavigate the UK on jet ski’s, he’s had a formal dinner party at over 25,000 feet (all while wearing breathing equipment), Paramotored over the Himalayas, and he was even the youngest Briton to climb mount Everest.

            He tames land, he tames air, and he tames it all. The survival feats are innumerable. With no signs of slowing down or giving up, Bear, the last man of the earth will last as long as the stars that he has been named after.

Voting Criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Paul Newman

by Mac White

A word of advice: Do not watch a Paul Newman film with your ladyfriend. Or really with any woman you have the slightest hope of taking to bed. You see, the more exposure she has to Newman’s charms and talents, the more you’re going to look like chopped liver. Even worse, you will have no argument.

 How could you hope to compete? Did you take top billing over Robert Fucking Redford in two Oscar-caliber movies? Were you Butch Cassidy, Fast Eddie Felson, AND Luke Jackson? Did you drive race cars at an elite level for fun and still find time to build a spaghetti sauce empire? There is some consolation to the fact that you will never be Paul Newman: Neither will the rest of us.

 For me, Newman was at his very best in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. He had so much chemistry with Elizabeth Taylor (who was smoking hot back then — look it up) that watching the film all these years later feels like the best kind of voyeurism. Yet he brought a pathos to broken-down ex-football star Brick Pollitt that has only been matched by Hamlet himself.

Barry Sanders

by Mac White

15,269 career rushing yards as a professional. Ten trips to the Pro Bowl. A Heisman Trophy. And a legendary highlight reel on YouTube set to Slayer’s “Reign in Blood.” (The latter was eventually taken down for violating copyright laws and being too fucking awesome.)

The ankle-breaking explosiveness of #20 was the stuff of legend. Jazz great Wynton Marsalis recognized Barry’s artistry on the field, and called him “The Great Improviser.” A notoriously private man, Barry  shied away from the limelight. He played running back for the Detroit Lions for 10 remarkably consistent years, only to walk away from the NFL at the peak of his physical powers. Football was a game he never truly loved but always thoroughly dominated.

Barry Sanders will be remembered for more than just his freakish athletic talent, however. To cite a well-worn broadcasting cliché, Barry was a “character guy.” After scoring one of his 99 touchdowns, Barry wouldn’t stop to preen and pose. Instead, he would flip the ball to the ref and run back to the sidelines with his teammates on offense. Scoring was nothing special to him; there would always be a next time.

Voting Criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Elvis

by Mac White

I don’t believe in karma, organized religion, man’s better nature, or the existence of an honest politician. But I do believe in Elvis Presley.

Every great civilization has its holy shrines and cultural centers. Indians have the Taj Mahal, and ancient Greeks had their Parthenon. But what are these compared to Graceland, the hallowed court of the King of Rock and Roll? (By the way: Try coming up with a sweeter nickname than that, short of “King of Sex with Runway Models.”)

Elvis must have chuckled at that phenomenon known as “Beatlemania.” He’d seen it before. It looked an awful lot like all the times he’d taken the stage in the 1950s. You know, when he brought every woman in the audience to climax with a shake of his hips. Elvis invented soaked panties.

He lived up to every myth and became a force we can call our own. Even apple pie, that most “American” of all baked goods, is likely an English creation. The King, on the other hand, is as American as a peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich. When the annals of hott dude history are finally written, expect to see his face on the cover – in velvet, of course.

Ryan Gosling

by Nick Vandermolen

                 When you utter the name Ryan Gosling women scream and squeal in ecstasy. He’s just got the features: A trim build, a smooth face, a firm jaw line. Being Canadian, yet being fully acclimated with the American cultural, he has obtained a familiar, yet uniquely distinct dialect which separates his voice from the maelstrom of the humdrum everyday American male’s meek speech. It was 2004, Gosling, this finely built male stared in Nicholas Spark’s Romanic Drama The Notebook; and it was in this role that he fell in love with co-star Rachel McAdams, sparking a three year romance that fed the romance hungry hearts of every stay-at-home mom and sex deprived college woman. Too old for Tiger Beat and pubescent teenage girls, he became the heartthrob icon for the adult women; a cultural role he still retains today. Most recently he can be seen staring in a “movie about love,” Blue Valentine. He recently solidified the role of heartthrob icon for women by going on one of the highest rated daytime women’s shows, Ellen, giving the entire audience onesies (one-piece pajamas with feet).

                Seriously, women love this dude. But, despite his romantic films, his fairy tale relationships, his fine features, and his propensity to wear pajamas with feet, he still ended up on the Hott Dudes Tumble, ranking among the hottest 64 dudes (to men?). Either someone among the Hott Dudes board of hetero males (the men who picked all the hott dude for the tourney) has a real hard on for Gosling, or he just has a personality and a style that extend beyond the key women demographic and penetrates deep into the male subconscious usually dominated by guns, action, and huge ass muscles.   

Voting Criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Michael Jordan

Words can’t describe His Airness. Click this link to see Michael Jordan to the Max.

Billy Dee Williams

By Nick Jarmuzewski

Forget Carl Weathers. Forget the steroid physique, the imitation mustache, the disco afro. It’s no contest, and really never was. Billy Dee Williams was always the smoothest, lovingest, most charming guy on Bespin. Everyone knew his political skills left a lot to be desired, but when you sleep your way to the top in only two months, when your sensual love puts you in charge of an entire gas giant, there really is no question who is the man. Billy Dee Williams, or should I say Billy DTF Williams, always had one thing on his mind, which chick to bang. And last time I checked, Billy Dee never got beat in the ring by a punchy nobody Italian, was never reduced to a pencil pusher by the CIA, was never dismembered by an alien, and was never made to look like a fool by parodying himself on an overrated comedy television show. He just has too much class, and he’s probably too busy listening to smooth jazz with a fine young woman in his deluxe high-rise condo on the beach.

Voting Criteria, also known as “Threats”:

• Dudes want to be you
• Can bang any chick in the room
• Undeniable star power
• Artistically sound

Ryan Gosling

by Nick Vandermolen

                 When you utter the name Ryan Gosling women scream and squeal in ecstasy. He’s just got the features: A trim build, a smooth face, a firm jaw line. Being Canadian, yet being fully acclimated with the American cultural, he has obtained a familiar, yet uniquely distinct dialect which separates his voice from the maelstrom of the humdrum everyday American male’s meek speech. It was 2004, Gosling, this finely built male stared in Nicholas Spark’s Romanic Drama The Notebook; and it was in this role that he fell in love with co-star Rachel McAdams, sparking a three year romance that fed the romance hungry hearts of every stay-at-home mom and sex deprived college woman. Too old for Tiger Beat and pubescent teenage girls, he became the heartthrob icon for the adult women; a cultural role he still retains today. Most recently he can be seen staring in a “movie about love,” Blue Valentine. He recently solidified the role of heartthrob icon for women by going on one of the highest rated daytime women’s shows, Ellen, giving the entire audience onesies (one-piece pajamas with feet).

                Seriously, women love this dude. But, despite his romantic films, his fairy tale relationships, his fine features, and his propensity to wear pajamas with feet, he still ended up on the Hott Dudes Tumble, ranking among the hottest 64 dudes (to men?). Either someone among the Hott Dudes board of hetero males (the men who picked all the hott dude for the tourney) has a real hard on for Gosling, or he just has a personality and a style that extend beyond the key women demographic and penetrates deep into the male subconscious usually dominated by guns, action, and huge ass muscles.   

Jake Gyllenhaal

by Geoff Brousseau

The meteoric rise of Jake Gyllenhaal from bubble boy to Prince has astonished even the most astute observers of Hollywoodland.  If you had watched his tour de force performances in October Sky and Donnie Darko, you would not be as surprised.  Biding his time, Jake was finally given the opportunity in 2005 to truly show off his acting chops to the world. 

The piece de resistance of Jake’s already stellar film career came with his Academy Award nominated performance in “Brokeback Mountain”.  Gyllenhaal opposite Heath Ledger gave one of the most inspired performances in recent memory.  Even though an arguably inferior movie won best picture, from that moment on it has been impossible for the world to quit Jake Gyllenhaal.  Despite not being Persian or Arabic in the least bit, Gyllenhaal was also able to pull off being the Prince of Persia, as this photographic evidence supports.    

In the women department, Jake has been doing pretty well for himself.  He has dated both commercially and critically successful musicians, in addition to talented and terrible actresses.  Not surprisingly, he is also rather popular amongst the male demographic.

Now a bonafide A-list actor, Jake has the world by the proverbial horns.  With the ability to score any film role or woman that he wants, there are few people that would argue that Gyllenhaal has it pretty good.

Carl Weathers

by Geoff Brousseau

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s still plenty of meat on that bone. Now you take this home, throw it in a pot, add some broth, a potato. Baby, you’ve got a stew going.”

Carl Weathers’ appearance in Arrested Development is almost a microcosm of his entire film career.  He may not be the star amongst a great ensemble cast, but he always delivers memorable performances, even if he is playing a caricature of himself.

Sensing that his talents were not being utilized to the fullest extent in the Canadian Football League, Weathers quit in 1974 to pursue acting.  This turned out to be a pretty good decision for Weathers, as he was soon cast in a little film called Rocky.  His exceptional portrayal of Rocky’s nemesis and later best friend Apollo Creed proved that Carl Weathers was not a flash in the pan.  He also inspired numerous references in Lil Wayne rap songs.

His portrayal as Dillon in the classic action film Predator also lead to debatably the greatest arm wrestling scene not in Over the Top.  Another debatable fake movie award Weathers received during Predator was (Spoiler Alert) most epic arm dismemberment scene not counting The Empire Strikes Back.

Carl Weathers body of work and moustache have served as a model for how to be a movie star the right way.  Even though some of his most famous characters he has played in movies have died, they still live on entertaining us on TNT, TBS, Comedy Central, and wherever quality movies are shown.

Billy Dee Williams

By Nick Jarmuzewski

Forget Carl Weathers. Forget the steroid physique, the imitation mustache, the disco afro. It’s no contest, and really never was. Billy Dee Williams was always the smoothest, lovingest, most charming guy on Bespin. Everyone knew his political skills left a lot to be desired, but when you sleep your way to the top in only two months, when your sensual love puts you in charge of an entire gas giant, there really is no question who is the man. Billy Dee Williams, or should I say Billy DTF Williams, always had one thing on his mind, which chick to bang. And last time I checked, Billy Dee never got beat in the ring by a punchy nobody Italian, was never reduced to a pencil pusher by the CIA, was never dismembered by an alien, and was never made to look like a fool by parodying himself on an overrated comedy television show. He just has too much class, and he’s probably too busy listening to smooth jazz with a fine young woman in his deluxe high-rise condo on the beach.

Barry Sanders

by Mac White

15,269 career rushing yards as a professional. Ten trips to the Pro Bowl. A Heisman Trophy. And a legendary highlight reel on YouTube set to Slayer’s “Reign in Blood.” (The latter was eventually taken down for violating copyright laws and being too fucking awesome.)

The ankle-breaking explosiveness of #20 was the stuff of legend. Jazz great Wynton Marsalis recognized Barry’s artistry on the field, and called him “The Great Improviser.” A notoriously private man, Barry  shied away from the limelight. He played running back for the Detroit Lions for 10 remarkably consistent years, only to walk away from the NFL at the peak of his physical powers. Football was a game he never truly loved but always thoroughly dominated.

Barry Sanders will be remembered for more than just his freakish athletic talent, however. To cite a well-worn broadcasting cliché, Barry was a “character guy.” After scoring one of his 99 touchdowns, Barry wouldn’t stop to preen and pose. Instead, he would flip the ball to the ref and run back to the sidelines with his teammates on offense. Scoring was nothing special to him; there would always be a next time.

Ben Affleck

by Nick Vandermolen

You’d be fuckin’ retahded if you raht an awtickal about Ben Affleck in eahly 2000. Uh, he wuz fuckin’ putt’n on Jennifah Lopez’s brar, getting’ fuckin’ lap dances from a bunch a’ hoodsies and stahing in Gigli. Oh my god, Gidadaheah, that would be wicked retawded. This is 2011 and Ben affleck is fuckin’ wicked sweet.

            It all stahted when Ben wuz 10, and he stahted hanging out with chowda head Matt Damon. Fuckin’ Matt Damon. When they wuz in thehe mid 20’s they wrote fuckin’, Good Will Hunting. Whad ah killa. Ben even stahed in Ahmegeddan. Remember that fuckin’ wicked scene when Affleck was playin’ with animal crahckahs on that chicks stamach?

            Then Ben took a real fuckin’ digga, stahted going with fuckin’ Jennifah Lopez.  Bahnies was like Dijaduah? And they called him Bennifer. Could a man get any Fuckin’ lowah? No. But this is Ben Affleck. He can climb outta fuckin’ hell itself. He disappeahed. Only to be found the scenes to dahrect, uh, fuckin’ Gone Baby Gone. He got fuckin’ two fuckin’ kids, gawt in bettah shape and raht, directed and stahed in The Town. A come back like that is like the sawx hitten a grand slam outta fuckin’ Fenway Park at the bottom of the fuckin’ ninth to win the fuckin’ pendant. He’s not even foddy.

            He tasted success twice. He tasted shit. He’s the come back man. He’s Ben Affleck. Mataheah I got eat a spuckie.

Sylvester Stallone

This video describes Stallone better than words ever could.

Bear Grylls

by Nick Vandermolen

Anthologists say that the bear was the first animal to be revered by humans. It is the great Ursa Minor, the Great Bear in the stars, that ancients said looked over this earth and protected it. Is it any wonder that this hott dude is name Bear, Bear Grylls.

            As host of the show Man vs. Wild, Bear, does dangerous, inventive, and thing so disgusting you can only find them in the darkest corners of the Internet. He’s peed on his clothes to stay cool, cut open a camel and slept in it, pooped of the edge of a cliff and even drank squeezed liquid from elephant dung – all to stay alive. On any given day Bear is parachuting into hostel territory, just to see how close he can get to death. Every time he has come out alive.   

            He’s no daredevil or someone looking for fame. This is his nature, adventurer  -one of the last truly free men. And as free the whole world is in his hand. He led the first team to circumnavigate the UK on jet ski’s, he’s had a formal dinner party at over 25,000 feet (all while wearing breathing equipment), Paramotored over the Himalayas, and he was even the youngest Briton to climb mount Everest.

            He tames land, he tames air, and he tames it all. The survival feats are innumerable. With no signs of slowing down or giving up, Bear, the last man of the earth will last as long as the stars that he has been named after.

We can look forward to match-ups between:

• Sylvester Stallone  and Bear Grylls
• Barry Sanders and Ben Affleck
• Carl Weathers and Billy Dee Williams
• Ryan Gosling and Jake Gyllenhaal

Who will get the final four spots in the tournament?  Hold on to your butts!