by Mac White
Given that Paul McCartney died in a car crash in 1966, John Lennon has attained unchallenged status as the best Beatle. And as best Beatle he could very well be the biggest rock icon of all time. His songwriting credentials are too well-established to repeat here. Turn on the radio and hear the sound of money being transferred to his estate.
In Yoko Ono, John Lennon found a kindred spirit. She was his muse — a person to pose naked with for an album cover or two. Best of all, she did not begrudge him an occasional lost weekend in L.A. Like any pop star of his day, John survived on strippers and booger sugar. He made jokes about Ringo behind his back and secretly believed that George Harrison was already becoming an aging hippie in the 1970s. John’s life was cut short before he could ever approach the atrocious artistic lows of Wings, the McCartney surrogate’s solo project.
Lennon famously said that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. It’s true; I listen to the Beatles a lot and almost never read the Bible. It’s ironic that hearing the original version of “Imagine” is about as close as I’ve come to a religious experience.
by Mac White
Justin Timberlake was born in 2002. His first musical venture of any kind was the critically acclaimed album Justified, which is made up of 13 songs about fucking Britney Spears (when she was hot). Right around this time, Timberlake decided it would be a good idea to become the white Usher.
One fateful morning, a hung-over, disheveled Timberlake awoke from a night of tantric sex with about a dozen co-eds. Realizing he was already late for a GQ fashion shoot across town, Timberlake absent-mindedly pulled a sweater over his shirt and tie. The move changed men’s fashion forever.
Later that day, he popped a couple of ibuprofen tabs and sat down at his desk to read over a new script his agent had given him. It was Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales. Seeing that his character didn’t have to do much more than swig a Bud and dance drunkenly through a room of dolled-up nurses to the beat of All These Things That I Have Done, Timberlake took the part. He would go on to expand on that concept in his sophomore album, FutureSex/LoveSounds.
On television, he put his hand on Janet Jackson’s boob and his dick in a box. Then he went back to putting his dick in much more interesting places. Timberlake also created Napster, which would have seemed counterproductive to a lesser iconoclast.
Hott Dudes Tournament voting criteria, also known as “Threats”:
- Dudes want to be you
- Can bang any chick in the room
- Undeniable star power
- Artistically sound